i always put my foot in it.

and i mean ALWAYS.

kisses. they can mean everything. and nothing.

i used to think they were so important.

thats before i got my first.

and i used to be so ashamed.

it made me feel so ugly. and unimportant

just that nobody could ever want me.

but then it happened. like last week

and its such a nothing.

maybe it was just the person.

or the circumstances.

but i dont know.

wasnt that important.

i learned to feel good about myself without needing a guy to.
im not insecure anymore.

i cant help the way i am,

ill nevere be skinny.

ill never wear tight clothes,

fake tan,

cake myself in make up,

or be the type to serve myself on a dish.

thats not me

i wont ever be your kind of pretty.

because i care to much for people,

they have a tendancy to mistake that for attatchment or some other emotion.

but its not like that at all..

i simply have other peoples interests at heart.

i think thats my problem i always think of them and not me.

i always manage to end up the fool.

james morrison; you lyrical genious.

Love takes hostages

And gives them pain

Gives someone the power

To hurt you again and again

Oh, but they don?t care

And it kicks so hard, it breaks your bones

Cuts so deep, it hits your soul

Tears your skin, and makes your blood flow

It?s better that we know that love is hard

If it was easy it wouldn't mean nothing, no.

L

same face, differentt person.

These days all anyone seems to talk about are of those who have changed. We seem to forget those who haven't. Those who are stuck in time and will never be anything but the same. I'm talking about the ones we've lost. Lauren Evans; my beautiful cousin and someone who deserves to be mentioned. Shes's always been the same. Never innocent, always had her cheeky side :) a true llittle angel looking rebel. And for I know for a fact the way we have all known her to be is the way she'll be remembered in years to come. Her legacy will never taint.

Sometimes you have to do the wrong thing,

make the big mistake,

 to make it right and learn who's real ♥

no yesterdays.

Today is enough. You don’t need forever and always. You don’t need promises of days that never come. Today is enough, you don’t need the words that cannot possibly be true. Nothing is forever. Nothing lasts for always.

Today should always be enough.

People come, people go - they'll drift in and out of your life, almost like characters in a favorite book. When you finally close the cover, the characters have told their story and you start up again with another book, complete with new characters and adventures. Then you find yourself focusing on the new ones, not the ones from the past.

aeroplaneeeeeees.

Tonight I discovered that the hardest words to say are not "I love you", not even "I'm Sorry".
The hardest words to say are simply "Good-bye".
Goodbye wrenches at your insides when there is an attached notion of finality associated with it. It isn't the simply see-you-later that we hope for, but the fact of having your last ever two words with someone.
I am not good at goodbyes.
But this is different.
I am not your girlfriend, it'll be so much easier;
to say goodbye if you just remember that.
It just hit me that seeing you leave will be fine, it'll be more happiness of seeing you go on your hollidays :D

oh friddlesticks.

I understand and I am sorry that it took me so long to see everything from your perspective.

I know you're trying really hard and I'm being nothing more than a nuisance.

Iv always known the deal from the start, we spoke about it remember?

But I am infallibly proud of you and admire your determination.

P.S I still think you are really lovely <3

to me your that person.

you make me comforable.

i can be me and not worry about looking like crap.

i dont have to try and impress you every single day.

i like having someone talk to me like an adult.

i like your spot on, but sometimes, brutal honesty.

im sorry aaron.

I know there are two things I want most when it comes to you;

Firstly, I want you to be happy. Everything I say or do is just to make you happy and your last few months here enjoyable!

And secondly, I want you to understand that i am not a small fragile child, my past has made me a stronger person and i can now call myself an adult. Please understand that im aware of our situation and i accept. im happy like this. yes i care about you. yes i will feel something when you leave. but so will you, dont deny that. because deep down i know a single, no matter how little, a part of you will feel something to. i enjoy your company, i enjoy having someone around for cuddles and that but with no major strings holding us down. we do our own things and see eachother when we can. im comfortable with you and this. and i know if you thought about it you enjoy our evenings together.

i know that your confused and you think im getting in over my depth but im not.

i am fine. please believe me when i say im more prepared then you realise.

oh aaron, i wish you'd see that we have so much time till you leave.

that this is not even worth arguing about. 

i want us both to carry on making the most of our time.

i want you to stay happy and keep me happy too.

you a lovely bloke and i trust you with anything, 

a friend and lover. 

i dont want to annoy you, im a walking disaster zone.

sometimes i open my mouth without thinking. 

nothing lasts.

yeah okay. its impossible to not get your heart broken at least once in your life.

unless you guard yourself too much that nothing ever starts in the first place

but what if you put yourself in too deep.
and nothing starts.

what then?

because technically the other person did nothing.

Ive learned at least that you cant confront them.

and you shouldn't really make a big deal out of it,

because it just gets worse.

its kinda one of those suffer in silence type things.

i guess...

but it still hurts either way.

i don't understand boys.

maybe that's why i am the way i am

i care for people more then i should

and then it never ends the way i hope.

maybe this time

ill wait.

or maybe not.

i never really had you in the first place.

life is a typical place.

I have this problem at the moment where I can't stop crying. Everyday I can feel it begin in my cheeks and I can't do anything to stop it. I hate this. I hate not wanting to get out of bed because I feel so fucking ugly. I feel like life is not worth facing for another day. I'm too sad to go out, but then I get more sad that I didn't go out. I get so angry that I begin to feel so sick deep inside. And being sick makes me feel better. Stephen Fry once said that 'You are who you are when nobody's watching.' It makes me think about who I really am. Round college I'm smiling and getting along with people, but when I'm alone I really am unhappy. If you didn't read my blog, you wouldn't know any of this. We are all just a cheating lying generation who fuck things up. This world is full of hypocrites and back stabbers. Secrets tear things apart. People think that they can keep things quiet but words get out. And they spread like disease and escalate and fuck everything up. They break up relationships and friendships and family.

i decided i needed a change and my blog needed up update, just like my room i guess.

so anyway this is just a temp one till i manage to perfect my next one :)

its okay for now, so enjoyyyyy :D

tehehe.

tonight i married my best friend

.... on facebook i mean :D

this is what i need.

YOU NEED THIS HANNAH....

READY - 1. 2. 3....

erghhhhhh ffs.

HANNAH HOW STUPID DO YOU WANNA BE?

GET A FUCKING GRIP OF YOURSELF.

HE WOULD TELL YOU IF IT WAS YOU RIGHT?

YOUR PUSHING HIM AWAY, LEAVE HIM ALONE.

HES NOT LIKE THE REST YOU KNOW THAT.

WANNA KNOW WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS HANNAH? YOU CARE FOR HIM.

STUPID MOVE. DONT CARE FOR THEM UNLESS THEY CARE FOR YOU.

NO IFS OR BUTS.

i want to sleep outside and feel the cold wind against my cheeks and sweep through my hair with the smell of bonfire in the air.
i want you to realise im fragile and a lot to handle.
i want the stars to shine and you see the twinkle in my eye when someone mentions your name.
i want you to feel what i feel.
- i know all these are impossible.

before the beers.

 

he makes me come undone.

he ruined me.
my ex broke me and i never fully recovered.
he's the way i am.

my mum sat me down and cuddled me while i cried about you. i couldnt help but blame my stupid insecurities for the way i ended up now. for forcing you into distancing yourself away from me. i cant blame you.
look at me, your far to good and i never understood why you took an interest in me in the first place anyway.
mum said you were good for me, that she could see that you put the twinkle back into my eye and she said she saw me grow eachday. she said treasure the smiles he provided my pretty face and to keep hold of the memories i laughed the most. she told me how you'd be missed by her and the family too because they actually liked you. she said this doesnt have to be goodbye, friendships better then nothing. 

i told her how much i cared and she said i know i see that darling but he cant fake feelings and thats what hit me most. that i just wanted you to be comfortable. that your so much more then someone special that i spent time with, you were a friend. a guy with a heart of gold.