""

if you dont love me, dont you dare raise my hopes

fly me away

i feel like i did then.
i can feel the awful black hole inside me, its eating away at me. its grabbing my lungs with both hands and suffecating me from the inside out. i struggle with emotions. some say im mental, some say im unstable and some say im to much to handle.

i know i am. i know what i put people through, still think i can control it?
s much people dont undersand, things they cant comprehend can happen to another.

laying here i remember the stiff bed i layed in that morning, waking up to the hand of my mother on my forhead. lookig down to see my wrists and the drip attatched to my weak hand. thinking everything was a dream.

i dont have the bility to trust anymore. im to far tortured in the soul to let you see me, the living me, the happy me. im an empty fucked up soul in a shell body right now. you'll never see how i used to smile at myself.

i look at the world and cant see any light or silver lining. iv lost a best friend, iv lost myself and the thought of loosing you makes me ache in places that shouldnt.

if the worst comes to the worst ill let you live the lifeyou deserve even if i dont get the one i think i should.

What if everything you always wanted came to you, white flag raised, surrendering themselves to you completely? What if this person told you that they wanted to keep you for the rest of forever? I love this man, but this isn't a fairytale kind of love. This love is hard work and broken hearts; This love is rage and betrayal, tears and quarrels. This love is by far the most difficult thing that I have ever done and it has sent me to rock bottom's unforgiving depths. But love is love, even when it hurts, even when you think you have given every scrap left within you.



You are the very best parts of me, the wrinkles and bellyaches after laughing, the calm after the roughest storm and the arms I am always falling into when this world gets a little too terrifying for me to brave. You have the hands I'm constantly searching for, the hands that I want holding me for the rest of my forever.


I know that we have fought more than most people have in their entire lives, but you said it yourself, you know this is love, and right now that is enough. There is nothing that could make me happier in this moment than the prospect of our forevers.


You are always saving me, and I am so scared of not being good enough, but even if this doesn't last, even if we start WWIII between us, this feeling right now would be worth every second of it.






One day I will find the right words to tell you how I feel, but for right now all I can say is yes, I will be your forever.

impossible circle

It's scary to think that 18 years have gone by and you're still alive. Still breathing. Society has torn you apart, but not down. Congratulations, me.



Your life has barely begun.


So far, life was mere practice for what's awaiting you in the dark alleys of the future.


So far, not much mattered. You were shaped. You were prepared.


And now you're getting a kick in the behind and exposed to the real world. The heartless world. The cold world, where every man watches out for himself and himself only.


Don't be naive. You always want to see the best in people, but those may not matter in tough conditions. You have to start fighting for yourself. You need to survive.


Don't let them down. They shaped you well.

i cant let love tear us apart

i want to write something that means something to you, something that will in some way change all the bad things that lead us to here. All I have are these endless words that could not possibly begin to convey the first inkling of the emotions that I have felt recently. These words, that don't string together as seamlessly as they once did. These words, that could never mean half as much to you as they to me when they're scribbled from my fingertips.

One day, I hope to be able to explain exactly what it is about you that makes you bigger than this whole world, that makes you everything that I know I'll ever need. I spend a lot of time wishing that when this day does arrive, I am not too late to capture some of the magic that I know you've kept safe for us.

 

i love you but its hard to forget the things that have happened. its the little things that make it harder i guess you could say. somehow not everything feels the same. all i know is my heart aches a little every now and again and pulses faster at the thought of you and i not finding away to forget.

 

i cant just forget, i feel so uneasy and intimidated around other girls.

 i dont feel beautiful, i dont fit it. i dont feel good enough.

you'll never knw what it feels like to wake up in the mornings and wish you could rub away your skin, have  new face, new body. something worthy of what you deserve.

i'll proberly never be enough for you. you deserve the best and i guess thats not me.

i make myself feel ill when i look at myself, it takes every ounce of strength in me not to smash my mirror and carve the words on me that echo in my head.. FAT, WASTE, NOTHING.

 

i know deep down your regretting this. us. me.

i hate how much i love you.

this hurts