i cant let love tear us apart

i want to write something that means something to you, something that will in some way change all the bad things that lead us to here. All I have are these endless words that could not possibly begin to convey the first inkling of the emotions that I have felt recently. These words, that don't string together as seamlessly as they once did. These words, that could never mean half as much to you as they to me when they're scribbled from my fingertips.

One day, I hope to be able to explain exactly what it is about you that makes you bigger than this whole world, that makes you everything that I know I'll ever need. I spend a lot of time wishing that when this day does arrive, I am not too late to capture some of the magic that I know you've kept safe for us.

 

i love you but its hard to forget the things that have happened. its the little things that make it harder i guess you could say. somehow not everything feels the same. all i know is my heart aches a little every now and again and pulses faster at the thought of you and i not finding away to forget.

 

i cant just forget, i feel so uneasy and intimidated around other girls.

 i dont feel beautiful, i dont fit it. i dont feel good enough.

you'll never knw what it feels like to wake up in the mornings and wish you could rub away your skin, have  new face, new body. something worthy of what you deserve.

i'll proberly never be enough for you. you deserve the best and i guess thats not me.

i make myself feel ill when i look at myself, it takes every ounce of strength in me not to smash my mirror and carve the words on me that echo in my head.. FAT, WASTE, NOTHING.

 

i know deep down your regretting this. us. me.

i hate how much i love you.

this hurts



one day ill change

sometimes i just dont feel worth it. i see the way people look at me and the laughs i get.

i want to make it all go away. iv dreamt of awful things.

of eating and being sick again and again

of wishing i could sand down my fat and be everything aaron finds attractive.

i wish i could be thin.

i wish i could be his kind of pretty...



i think this sums up my outlook iv had on life.

aaron parkes x

i have wrecked eveything.

aaron says i havent lost him and that he loves me but somehow i still feel like hes distanted himself from me in every way possible. this is killing me more then any blade on my wrist hurting. its a pain that wrences on your heart and makes it heavy to hold.

i dont think i could bare it if he left me now. i think weve come to far to not keep trying.

my relapse is just a blip in our wonderful 10months together.

i want to be able to make it a year and look back at how iv changed.

he makes me feel different.

i dont look at myself and repulse as much as i used to.

sometimes the simplest hug from him makes me love life again.

iv not felt like that in a long time.

im sorry i hurt you aaron

i never meant to your my world and the reason i breathe.

were in it for the long hall and i need you to know that i am your number one fan when it comes to olf and ill support you through the hardest of times.

i dont expect you to understand my problems but cuddle me when i look like i need it.

your amazing and youve done sucha good job already looking after me.

i just beg you dont let me bring you down, dont leave me because of this.

my inseurities CAN be fixed. i promise you that.

i just need help, from you, your love is my medicine.

it kills me to see im the reason for you being ill :(

i rip the small pieces of my heart up eachtime i see you not smiling.

and knowing im the one that causes the aches in your heart and the pains.

give me a chamce to show you i can mak you happy.

im crying writing this because iv never known someone like you,

you complete me and make me better.

our mistakes in the past do not affect my everlasting love for you and your family.

i hope oneday you can love me like you used to and your family accept me back.

untill then i hope you see how perfect things can be....

keep strong and smiling

your girl x



a house is not a home without love

Sometimes, I believe that it is okay to sit in an empty house and cry - the walls will hold in what you can't. But lately, this house has been a little bit too empty. I'm stretching out my arms as far as they can go but it's cold out there you know.

'Everything in life is temporary. So if things are going good, enjoy it because it won't last forever. And if things are going bad, don't worry. It can't last forever either'.

The worst things is holding on to someone who doesn't want to be held on to

One day soon I will forget the hurt, the reasons I cried and they way you caused me pain. Perhaps if I am very lucky, you will begin to fade in my memory also, so you do not remain in the forefront of my mind so vividly. The secret of being free is not revenge and acting out against you, but letting things unfold in their own way and time. I suppose this has unfolded and all of the little things that I am desperately grasping to do not matter in comparison to the way this ended.
I am seeking peace.
what you did to me was unspeakable, unthinkable, sick.
 
iv fallen for someone, head, heart, feet first and i know he's everything i need. hes everything your not. hes a man.

with you..

Your fingers filled the gaps between mine and it felt like home.. Somewhere within you, I found the security and comfort that I had been searching for for the longest time and even though I can't find the right words, I think it is important for you to know how incredibly special you are to me. you make me who i am. 

the other day we rowed.

the day before my birthday you crushed me.

i broke and i cant deny that it still aches a little.

im left with heart shaped bruises on my soul but an over powering love for you that just wont die.

every part of me says your the best thing that happened to me but.....

im not stupid.

i will not be hurt again, even if you are the love of my heart.

you need to know that no matter how fragile i am, iv got a strength inside me to say goodbye if im in desperate need to.

please dont take me for granted,

you wont find another me....

not that i want you to x

ALMOST a year...

You can learn a lot about someone in (almost) a year, what makes them happy, the foods they'll eat and the types of movies they like. When you have known someone for a year, chances are you will be able to ramble off numerous facts about them.


However, when you are in love with someone for a year, you learn a whole series of different things. You begin to learn the patterns in their face when they lie, the way they portray emotions that don't quite reach their eyes and what it means when they tell you a story but can't look you in the eye. You know the subtle difference between when they are pretending to be happy and when they are full of happiness, you communicate flawlessly with words not yet created and you can count every crevice that lies upon their face.

When you love someone for a year it becomes a peculiar thing; you realize that you know someone in a way that perhaps no one will ever know them again and you become immersed in their being that you cannot bear to let them disappear into the nothingness that remains in case no one ever deciphers him the way you could.

If there is anything you learn after a year, it is how to let someone go, but never stop loving them because you have learnt to love them in a way you never knew you could.